Once Upon a time in a land far far… well it wasn’t that far… but pretty far.. Well..it was a good stretch of the legs from… well it all depends on where you are located actually perhaps it happened near by.. In any case, from where I live it is just a metrolink ride away.. So to get back to the point.

There once lived a poor but handsome, buff, sexy.. Muscular.. Tattooed sailor type, you know with the long hair and the full lips… tan and… *ahem* excuse me… Well, he lived in this old run down shack.. A hovel.. A lean-to.. It was actually his old man’s tool shed, after his father died.. Of some seedy disease, his step mother… who had two sons of her own.. One scrawny, the other of the extreme opposite body type… made him live in the tool shed.. He was forced to wait on his two un-manly type bros from sun up …well again to the next sun up.. And well it was a constant thing.

He had to serve them breakfast in bed.. Wash their clothes.. Clean the pool.. Feed the gerbil… He was even forced to do the marketing… (which he hated most of all).. From his tool shed on the hill, he could see the towers of a huge Mansion… Someone said that Madonna lived there.. But that story was unconfirmed.. When he had finished his chores… well he never finished his chores, bcz there was always more to do.. I mean the boy’s work was never done.. So in reality he would just take a cigarette break in between spin and rinse cycles.. And he would look up at the spires.. And dream of Princess Charming… he had met her Once Upon a Dream.. La la la da da da.. Oh… Well, he knew that someday.. She would come to rescue him from his impoverished state and kiss his dish pan hands.. And make it all better…

One day..I think it was in May… no it was too hot for may… and the Oscars had long since past.. It must have been July.. In any case– an invitation came to the family from the big mansion where Madonna supposedly lived.. Low and behold it was not from the Queen of Mainstream Porn, but instead from Princess Charming.. She had invited “EVERY” male in the city of Angels.. Actually in the County.. And the County of L.A… well that is a big … well it’s a lot of males..

The poor boy had nothing to wear and so he wept unabashedly into the pool as he cleaned it…

“Oh whoa is me” I think is what he said.. Or was it “Oh S**t! I’m screwed!” I can’t be sure..

Behold! A really wiggy thing happened then.. It wasn’t that shocking for those of us who live in Hollywood– but for all the rest of you..well— a fairy appeared.. The fairy wore the height of fashion from 1976.. His eyes gleamed from beneath his Afro and he spoke:

“Man, what you cryin’ for?” He said, and shifted position.

The poor boy looked up at the fairy, and after admiring his general splendor; told him all about his problem and not having any threads worthy of the party…

To make a long story short.. Which is too late–
POOF! He waved his– I not sure what he waved– but in a flash the poor but virile boy.. Was now dressed in a crystal suit… and the fairy POOFED here and there, and after excusing himself, he made a stretch limo complete with jacuzzi and video shorties appear and then he drove away in it…

The poor boy hopped the RTD (that’s the public bus) to the party, and as he entered the ball room everyone’s eyes turned to him.. The room fell silent, except for a few gasps, here and there.. And of course that annoying person who always coughs when it is silent in a crowded room! Perhaps it was his handsome face, or his six pack abs.. Or his majestic height, or the way he carried himself… but I think more likely it was the fact that you could see right through his suit…

Anyway, Princess Charming rushed over and was so overwhelmed by his—uh— personality.. That she asked him to marry her and take her name.. And live in her house and maybe even share some of her stuff… He said Yes! Yes1 yes! and she bought him a HUGE diamond ring, a fur coat, and a Lamborghini Diablo SV! And of all her conquests, he was her favorite.. She later wrote in her memoirs….

And they lived pretty happily till the divorce in the summer of… uhh.. Well it was sometime after the Northridge earthquake.. I remember that…